Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks