I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.