I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Strangers have the best candy.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.