I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
At least he brought enough for everyone
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
What number SPF blocks people?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
What’s so funny?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.