Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.