Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.