If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Message from the dog groomers
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
two people or more is called a problem
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo