Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
this post was so formative to me
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
#damn
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.