Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
You Might Also Like
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.