ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
is this a warning or an offer?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.