Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
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Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool