If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
meow
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
*jazz hands*