The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
not to brag, but mine was free
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad