Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Twitter is an abusement park.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.