There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion