[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Look at this