I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
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Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
This kid is going places
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs