No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open