I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]