At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic