[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.