“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
You Might Also Like
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get