ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you