Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A