*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
“our sushi is very fresh”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.