Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.