Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?