Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
don’t be scared
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.