Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Geez man, take it easy.
I’m not lazy
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
HERE’S MARKY
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”