The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
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NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.