My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
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Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.