Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.