I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE