Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Um … Hot Wings please
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*