When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Good morning y’all ☀️
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca