Is….Is this an option?
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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
May have had one breakfast too many
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
barbara was highly relatable
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.