English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??