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All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.