Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Not even remotely sorry.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
This kid is a star!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head