What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Time for evil
Thursday
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
just witnessed a drug deal
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl