馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don鈥檛 understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Found out my s褨ster ate my leftovers wh褨le 袉 was at work, now 袉鈥檓 star褨ng out the w褨ndow l褨ke 袉鈥檓 褨n a sad early 2000鈥檚 mus褨c v褨deo.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can鈥檛 make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver鈥檚 body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days馃槵馃槀
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”