Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
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Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody