Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
You Might Also Like
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
One venti cheeseburger please.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”