God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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Gemma Correll
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
it was love at first sight
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.