“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.