Our lord and savoury.
You Might Also Like
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell