I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
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[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
#CoronaOutbreak
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!