If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Coffee is ready.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob