6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
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*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My background check bounced.