[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*